(And That’s Not Selfish—It’s Necessary)
According to research from the AARP and National Alliance on Caregiving, over 60% of family caregivers report moderate to high emotional stress. But here’s what caught my attention: studies show that one of the key factors of caregiver burnout is “neglect or abuse of self.”
Not neglect of your kids. Not neglect of your aging parents. Not failure to meet work deadlines. Neglect of yourself.
If you’ve been telling yourself that everyone else’s needs come before yours, I want to gently challenge that belief. Not to add more pressure—you have enough of that—but to give you permission to reconsider.
What Nobody Tells You
Many of us, especially women caring for multiple generations, grew up believing that being a good person means putting everyone else first. That selflessness equals love. That our needs can wait until “later.”
But here’s what the research shows us: later never comes. And the cost is real.
In their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, health educators Emily and Amelia Nagoski explain that chronic stress—the kind that builds when you consistently put yourself last—doesn’t just make you tired. It changes how your body responds to stress, making you more vulnerable to illness, depression, and complete exhaustion.
Research from the Family Caregiver Alliance shows that 40 to 70 percent of family caregivers experience depression. They’re less likely to eat well, exercise, or see their own doctors. They slowly fade from their own lives.
And when you fade, your ability to care for everyone else fades too.
This isn’t a character flaw. It’s what happens when humans operate beyond their capacity for too long.
You’re Allowed to Actually Live
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
Not to endure it. Not to just get through it. To live it.
You’re allowed to want that. You’re allowed to have that.
The culture of caregiving often tells us we exist to serve, to manage, to facilitate everyone else’s lives. But that’s not why you’re here. You’re not just a caregiver or a parent or an employee or a daughter. You’re a whole person with needs, desires, and a life that deserves to be lived—not just survived.
Insights from author and burnout coach Emily Ballesteros suggest: sustainable caregiving requires treating yourself as a priority, not an afterthought. When we frame self-care as something we’ll do “when there’s time,” we’re essentially saying our wellbeing doesn’t matter. And that message—even if unspoken—has consequences.
What “First Priority” Actually Means
Let me be clear: prioritizing yourself doesn’t mean abandoning anyone. It doesn’t mean you stop showing up for your family or your work.
It means you stop running on empty.
Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, found that the most effective people aren’t those who do everything for everyone. They’re the ones who protect their own capacity first—their energy, their health, their peace—and give from that place of strength.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. That’s not a cliché—it’s biology. Your body and mind need care to function. Without it, everything gets harder. You become less patient, less present, less like the person you want to be.
You’re Allowed to Have Needs
Here’s what prioritizing yourself can look like. These aren’t shoulds or demands—they’re invitations. Permission to take care of the person who takes care of everyone else.
You’re allowed to eat. Not standing up. Not after everyone else. You can sit down and have an actual meal because your body needs fuel. This isn’t indulgent—it’s basic.
You’re allowed to sleep. To have a bedtime that isn’t midnight. To not sacrifice rest because there’s always one more thing. Sleep isn’t laziness—it’s how your body and brain repair themselves.
You’re allowed to move your body. Even if it’s just a 10-minute walk. Movement isn’t about fitness goals or weight loss. It’s how your body processes stress and releases tension.
You’re allowed to see your doctor. Your health appointments matter as much as everyone else’s. You don’t have to wait until something is seriously wrong to take care of yourself.
You’re allowed to just… be. To have time where you’re not productive, not efficient, not doing anything for anyone. Time to sit with coffee and stare out the window. Time to read something that has nothing to do with caregiving. Time to exist without a purpose or agenda. This isn’t wasted time—it’s how humans recharge.
These aren’t extras. They’re not luxuries you have to earn. They’re baseline requirements for a human to function sustainably in their life.
This Is Permission
In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, researcher Brené Brown writes about the power of believing you’re worthy of care—not after you’ve earned it, not once everyone else is okay, but right now, as you are.
If you’ve been waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay to take care of yourself, I’m telling you now: It’s okay. You’re allowed.
You don’t need anyone’s permission, but if it helps to hear it from someone else: your needs matter. Your rest matters. Your joy matters. You matter.
Not because of what you do for others. Because you exist.
What Changes When You Prioritize Yourself
Something shifts when you start treating yourself as a priority. You become more present. More patient. More like yourself.
Your kids get a parent who isn’t constantly overwhelmed and resentful. Your aging parent gets a caregiver who can think clearly and make compassionate decisions. Your partner gets someone who still has something left to give.
This isn’t selfish. It’s how sustainable caregiving works.
As Emma Reed Turrell explains in Please Yourself, when we constantly ignore our own needs, we don’t just burn out—we disappear. We become versions of ourselves we don’t recognize: resentful, exhausted, disconnected.
Taking care of yourself isn’t about becoming selfish. It’s about staying human.
You Can Start Small
You don’t need to overhaul everything tomorrow. You don’t need to suddenly become someone who does all of this perfectly.
You just need permission to start. One small thing. One choice that says, “I matter too.”
Maybe it’s one evening this week where you stop at 8pm, no matter what’s left undone. Maybe it’s saying no to one request. Maybe it’s 15 minutes in the morning before anyone else wakes up, where you just sit and breathe and exist.
One thing. That’s all.
And when that becomes easier, maybe you add another. Over time, these small acts of self-prioritization build a life where you’re not just surviving each day—you’re actually living it.
You deserve that. Not because you’ve earned it or proven yourself or met some impossible standard.
Because you’re here. Because you’re human. Because you matter.
Your Invitation
This week: Give yourself permission to do one thing that puts your needs first. Not “try to squeeze in.” Not “do if there’s time.” An actual priority.
It might be:
- Going to bed at a set time, even if dishes are in the sink
- Taking a 15-minute walk just for you
- Eating one meal sitting down, slowly
- Having 30 minutes of completely unstructured time where you do whatever you want (or nothing at all)
You don’t have to do all of these. Just pick one. Write it down. Give yourself permission.
Need help with the practical strategies? Once you’ve given yourself permission to prioritize yourself, you can find practical prioritization techniques here to help make this sustainable.
